Time is on My Side

Time is on my side, yes it is.

Time is on my side, yes it is.

Time is on my side. Or so I thought! But it seems like no matter how hard I try, lately there is not enough time in my day to do all the things I want (and need) to do. Time isn’t waiting for me. It’s passing me by.

I stopped at the grocery store and I became my mother. Then my grandmother, and my mamaw. All of the prominent female influences in my life combined and took over my body and my mind. I find myself looking for the bargains and not buying something I want because it’s too expensive. Or maybe I will buy it and I’ll store the leftovers in the refrigerator and drag them out until there’s not enough for anyone to eat. I’ll find it later, forgotten and green, in a plastic container. Or I’ll look at cookbooks and magazines trying to find something new to try then I’ll get the stuff to make the same old thing I always make. When did I become like that?

I think about my daughter, my beautiful 30 year old daughter, and I wonder how it happened that she is already grown. She doesn’t know it, but she is me. She’s the mom with three little kids trying to juggle all the things she has to do and still find time for her. She’s the one who worries that her kids will do well in school or be liked by their peers. She’s the one who tries to please everyone and is disappointed because it seems she always misses the target. She’s the one who worries that she’s too fat, too gray, too old.

I think about my parents and wonder who they are, because they are little old people now, not the mom and dad I know. I worry about their health, their feelings, their welfare. I hope they remember to take the right medicine and call the doctor if needed. I worry that they will be lonely. I think back to when my grandparents were the old people, the old people we thought we’d never lose. But we did lose them and time still went on.

I think about my life and how my thoughts and opinions and actions have changed over the years. I’m not who I was but I’m not who I’ll be. I think about how fast the days pass now. My newborn baby grandson will be eight years old on his birthday. And I wonder where the time goes. I cherish his hugs and when he asks for me and just wants to be with me, because I’m his Mamye. And I know in a short while it will change. He’ll be busy. Then he’ll be the 30 year old. My daughter will be where I am now and I’ll be my mother.

Finally things will slow down. I’ll become my great grandmother who told me the weekends were the worst. She said she could find things to keep her busy during the week. She had phone calls and visits, her knitting and her soap operas to occupy her time. But Sunday she was usually alone. She would cook enough for two or three but nobody came to share her food. She would sit and wait for anyone to drop by but they never came. She said it was the longest and hardest day of the week.

A friend once told me I was on the downside of life. He said we (because we are the same age) are closer to the end then the beginning. That’s a sobering thought! Lately the notion of retiring has crossed my mind. Once I could never imagine not working. But now I count the days until the weekend, when I can do what I want to do, not what I have to do. The things I have to do get done, but at my own pace. Yes, time is on my side. I’m just not sure which side.

Now you always say

That you want to be free,

But you'll come running back.

You'll come running back.

You'll come running back to me…

How many scarves and shawls are too many for one person? I’ve probably reached the limit. But what happened this cold scarf weather morning when I was looking for just the right one to complement my fashionable ensemble? That’s right. There was none. I’m partial to variegated, as evidenced by the picture, so I have more options.

Still, nothing seemed to work. I could either not find a shirt to match a scarf or not find a scarf to match a shirt. Finally, after multiple wardrobe malfunctions, I found a combination that worked. And as I was searching I was planning more projects to supplement the gaps I noticed. It will only take a little time, right? And time, is on my side. Yes it is.

Well, time is on my side, yes it is.

Time is on my side, yes it is...

Who Are You?

I really wanna know,
Tell me, who are you?
'Cause I really wanna know…

Have you ever heard of Sybil? It’s a true story about a girl who played host to about sixteen separate and distinct personalities. Hers was a mental disorder, the result of child abuse. Eventually, with a lot of therapy, she recovered. Sometimes I feel like Sybil. But it’s not all in my head. I have a lot of different roles. I am a wife, mother, Mamye, daughter, sister, friend, enemy, coworker and employee. It’s just what females do.

How does the saying go? It’s easier to ask forgiveness instead of permission? I’m a fairly independent person. I like to be able to do what I need to do without having to ask permission. That doesn’t mean I just do what I want all the time! Unless it’s really important, I make my own decisions.

When I am the wife I am part of a partnership. We are empty nesters now and have had to make some adjustments. We both travel for work quite a lot. So, to ease the transition, Junior came to live with us. He keeps the one not traveling, company. He’s become one of the family. He’s just another kid!

When I’m the mother my name is “mom”. I think I did okay. But if you ask the kids you may get a completely different opinion. I admit I missed some important things because of work. I regret it but it’s done so I can’t dwell on it. I worked so they could have some things they might not have had otherwise. I hope they know that I’m here for them and always have been and that I support them in everything they do or would like to do. The kids are great. They are all self sufficient and have a good work ethic. They are all intelligent. I may or may not have influenced any of that but they all turned out okay.

When I’m Mamye, or Mames, as it’s sometimes shortened to, I can do no wrong! The little guys are happy to see me, any and every time. I’m the one who has the surprises. I’m the one who will let them do what mom and dad won’t. I’m fun and I’m not mean. I don’t get mad at them and they don’t get mad at me. I’m their “best friend!” I don’t let them run wild. They just think I let them do whatever they want. Power of suggestion! It’s one of my favorite times.

As a daughter I tried hard not to be a disappointment to my parents. I did the best I could and when I didn’t it wasn’t advertised. I wasn’t perfect, by any means. But I didn’t see any sense in broadcasting the things that weren’t my best ideas!

Being a sister might be one of my weakest areas. I’m not easy to get close to. I’m the big sister. My sister is 3 years younger than me and my brother is 9 years younger. I was gone when she was in high school and almost the whole time my brother was growing up. I didn’t get to know him very well at all. We are all fairly close now, though, so I guess it turned out okay.

I can be a good friend, even though I have very few ‘close’ friends. One of my dearest friends I haven’t seen or talked to in years. I have another treasured friend I do keep up with, although I don’t get to see her much. I’m a good listener and want to be there for them, should they ever need me. I know they are there for me. I have a lot of casual friends, even though most of them live far away. Maybe it’s better that way because if they really got to know me they might not even like me!

I make a very good enemy. If I don’t like you there will be no doubt. I do like most people, though, and give them the benefit of the doubt. But one time betrayed or crossed, well, that might be the only time there is. I don’t have any use for people who lie to me or backstab or walk on me. My mother is one of those who let people do things to her and use her. I watched for years and decided long ago I wasn’t going to be that way. I detest confrontation, but if push comes to shove, I’ll do it.

I can be a good coworker, as long as the backstabbing office politics don’t come into play. I’m glad to help and I can work with most anyone. The key word is with. When people want to work against me rather than with me, I’m done. That doesn’t mean I won’t work with people I don’t care for. It just means if I have a choice, they won’t be chosen. I am a team player but I do believe the team captain needs to play fair. If things aren’t fair I’d just as soon work alone. I do have a good sense of responsibility and will get things done regardless of the situation.

I’m a good employee. People are lucky to have me work for them! Treated fairly, I will give them my all. In fact, it’s a fault. I spent way too many hours at work, to the expense of my family. It’s too late now, but if I had it to do again it would be different. I’d make sure my family came first, and then I’d take care of work. Your family is always going to be there. You’re just an employee when it comes to work. And you’re a dispensable employee that can always be replaced, at that.

It’s interesting how people think of themselves versus how others see them. I’ve been told I’m cold, mean, and conceited. And I’ve also been told I’m nice, friendly, smart, and will help anyone. I think I can be all of those things, depending on the situation. So…who am I? As old as I am, I’m still not sure I know.

Who are you?
Who, who, who, who?

Whoever I am knitting is part of it. Or doing something with yarn or with my hands. It’s the fall strip of the knitayear, day 184, but a brand new section. October 1, starts it and it’s a day off for me. I don’t want to go out of the house. It’s like I’ve just withdrawn and I’m perfectly happy with it. I chose yarn that is thick and thin in texture and green, orange and gold in color. It’s pretty, I like it, and that’s what I wanted to use today. October 2, day 185, I felt so much better. I guess I needed alone time. I’m comforted and ready to get back out. It’s haircut day and that in itself is comforting! I picked yarn that is a red, yellow and blue twist. It reminds me of autumn. Sunday, day 186, is October 3. It’s a day of rest and I am slack, doing not much of anything. I picked blue/green wool, because it’s peaceful and that’s how I was today too. Day 187, Monday, October 4 is a hectic day. I am fully engaged in all three things I’m trying to do at once! I’m getting ready for the big training tomorrow and it’s nerve wracking. Pink and green ribbon, really pale colors that blend together well is what I picked for today. Day 188 is October 5. I have the day off and go to Seminole, then on to Lubbock. We meet mom and Judi and go to a cooking show and have a great time. It’s a fun day, but I’m still anxious for the workshop. I choose a light orange wool. It’s reassuring for some reason. Tomorrow is going to be a long day and we are getting back late but the night was really fun. I enjoyed visiting with my family and hope to get to do it more often. It’s all part of who I am, whoever that may be.

Tell me, who are you?
Who are you? Who, who, who, who?
'Cause I really wanna know.